Hello hello hello and welcome to Bachelor fans, people who have been stuck in their houses since March, and maybe (just maybe) if we are really lucky, TD Ryan from WLBK Radio in DeKalb, IL! We heard today that he and his wife are Bachelor Superfans. Welcome to the club, TD!
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We’re working to examine and call out our culture of relationships that we see under a microscope in the petri dish that is Bachelor Nation. Check out our weekly Facebook Live video (catch up by watching old videos on our Youtube channel!) to hear all our thoughts and let us know what you’re thinking about this week! Don’t forget, you can always follow along with us on Twitter too! (@Safe_PassageDV)
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We had SO MUCH that happened this week. I guess that is what you get when ABC forces 2 days of Bachelor content into your week. Does Chris Harrison not know that I shouldn’t be encouraged to sit on my butt for 4 hours in front of my TV?? that I have a life outside of the Bachelor?
We went through a goodbye with Blake (after ABC’s trademarked tantric yoga breathing date), a HEARTBREAKING goodbye with Riley (#Riley4Bachelor), and a Men Tell All that proved Bennett just can’t get over Noah. We could say a lot, but let’s just say that Bennett needs to take his green juice and move on.
One more thing from MTA and then we’ll move on to the main event, but we can’t avoid addressing the Woman-Hating Elephant in the Room: Yosef. We ranted about it in our video, but the fact that this man felt comfortable expressing incredible levels of misogyny on national television is incredibly disturbing. Kudos to all the men who called him out on his bullshirt specifically and repeatedly. I mean, if Chris Harrison is telling you you’ve gone too far…woah buddy.
Yosef faced pushback from the other contestants on Clare/Tayshia’s season and that’s progress, but he clearly didn’t face enough consequences as the show was airing (or fear enough consequences going forward) to at least publicly back down from his aggressive behavior. That tells me he’s not worried that this will negatively impact him and if a guy can act like that and life will go on as normal, what else can he get away with? What will teach him that he can’t talk to him partner that way? That he can’t talk to his daughter that way? That he can’t hit or hurt or control his partner? When our society looks the other way re: controlling and misogynistic behavior and attitudes, we facilitate abuse. We have to hold people accountable for their words and attitudes or we’ll never be able to hold them accountable for their actions.
THAT BEING SAID. We want to rant about something great we saw this week and frankly, all season long.
REJECTION!
What? I know. It doesn’t sound like something to celebrate, but let’s drop some serious facts here. 70% of intimate partner homicides happen when the victim has left the relationship. That means that majority of people murdering their partner do it in response to rejection. We MUST build a better culture where people can experience rejection without anger or violence. How many women are afraid to say NO to the guy hitting on them in the bar because they don’t know how he will react? How many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they don’t want to hurt the other person by leaving? How many people go back to a partner after being guilt-tripped or manipulated into feeling bad for leaving? We have to normalize relationships ending and respecting your former partner’s choices.
And we have seen that in SPADES this season. When Tayshia sends men home, to a one they have been supportive of her and of each other. We’ve heard guys tell the rose-getters to “take care of her” or they tell Tayshia “you’ve got a great group of guys here.”
I remember seasons where the contestants would try to talk to the lead and change their minds. I remember Des CRYING to Sean Lowe on his season that he was making a mistake and he shouldn’t send her home. I remember contestants warning the lead on their way out the door that some of the remaining crew weren’t “there for the right reasons.” What I don’t remember is a season like this one where every contestant (okay maybe minus Bennett, but in the end even he left quietly) respected the lead and respected each other.
I’ve heard mixed opinions on Ben’s exit this week after hometowns and honestly, I was proud of him. It definitely seemed like Tayshia was disappointed that he didn’t open up more and that he wasn’t more upset that she cut him. It definitely seemed like production was trying to encourage him to second-guess himself. They laid out a whole trap for Ben to get emotional, open up, and throw himself at Tayshia’s feet at their goodbye and he didn’t take the bait. He was respectful, calm, and collected. He was obviously blindside and obviously hurt, but he didn’t make HIS pain HER problem.
This is what we need more of. Obviously (I hope), we all know you shouldn’t hurt someone who dumps you. You shouldn’t hit them, hurt them, call them names, or stalk them (lookin’ at you, Colton). But you also shouldn’t make them feel guilty. You shouldn’t try to “win them back”. You shouldn’t second guess their choices or their journey. That’s not your place. Being in a relationship means giving up control. If you can’t handle that, you can’t be in a relationship.
So we are here to cheers to relationships ending. We’re here to celebrate ends that lead to new beginnings. There is no shame, there is no failure in letting someone walk away. We all need to learn to speak up about our needs and desires and we all need to work toward a future where it is safe to be that honest. Part of how we do that is teaching our kids (and lbh, teaching our adults) how to handle rejection with grace, empathy, and compassion.
We saw that this week and we’ve seen it all season long with Tayshia. Thank you, ABC!
And because this blog has been long and serious (and because we are already missing Riley on our TV screens), we’ll leave you with our favorite Bachelorette gif…
