What is Grooming?
The word grooming is frequently used in the news, on social media, and in movies, and its presence has become increasingly common. Because of the seriousness of the topic, it is essential to understand what grooming truly is and what caregivers need to know to protect their loved ones.
Grooming is a deliberate process in which offenders initiate and maintain sexual relationships with children in secrecy. It can be difficult to recognize because from the outside, grooming may appear to be a close friendship, a supportive relationship, someone filling a helpful role within a child’s family, or a trusted family friend. For this reason, understanding how grooming works is critical to identifying and preventing abuse.
While every situation is unique, research has shown that grooming often occurs in six identifiable stages. Recognizing these stages can help caregivers understand what may be happening and how to intervene at any point in the process. The six stages of grooming are: targeting the child, gaining the trust of the child and caregivers, filling a need, isolating the child, sexualizing the relationship, and maintaining control. Let’s take a closer look at each stage.
Targeting the Child
The first step for a perpetrator is identifying a child to target. Perpetrators often seek out children they perceive as vulnerable and exploit those vulnerabilities to create an abusive dynamic. A sexual predator may look for signs such as isolation, neglect, a chaotic home life, limited parental oversight, low self-confidence, economic stress, or general instability. Once a child has been identified, the predator will often begin giving them special attention or preferential treatment to start building trust.
Gaining Trust
After selecting a child, the perpetrator works to gain the trust of caregivers to lower suspicion and secure access to the child. This is done by offering calculated attention, help, or support. During this stage, the predator gathers information about the child’s needs, interests, and routines, as well as information about the caregivers themselves. Sexual abuse often begins under the guise of friendship. The abuser may take on roles such as a mentor, caregiver, authority figure, romantic partner, or trusted helper. They will learn the child’s likes, dislikes, and habits and may pretend to share common interests to strengthen the bond.
Filling a Need
Once trust has been established, the perpetrator begins filling a need in the child’s life. This can take many forms, including gift-giving (“I know you like superheroes, so I got you this video game.”), flattery (“You have such pretty legs, that’s why I sat you in the front.”), financial assistance (“I know you wanted to go to the mall but don’t have money-here’s $50, have fun.”), meeting basic needs such as food or clothing, or providing increased attention and affection (“You’re such a talented musician. Would you like to stay after school and practice with just me so you can get even better?”).
Perpetrators may also fill needs for caregivers, making their involvement seem helpful or convenient. This could look like offering tutoring, childcare, or emotional support. By meeting these needs, the perpetrator becomes more embedded in the child’s daily life, positioning themselves as essential and trusted. This deeper involvement creates opportunities for isolation.
Isolation
As the perpetrator becomes more involved, they begin isolating the child from other support systems and trusted adults. They intentionally create situations where they are alone with the child and use that time to reinforce the belief that they are the only person who truly understands or cares for them. Statements such as, “No one cares about you the way I do,” or, “You can trust me because no one else will understand,” are commonly used to increase dependency.
At the same time, the perpetrator often presents themselves publicly as responsible, kind, and trustworthy, which further lowers suspicion among caregivers. This combination of isolation and trust creates the opportunity to begin sexualizing the relationship.
Sexualizing the Relationship
Once emotional dependence and trust have been established, the perpetrator begins testing boundaries. This often starts with increased non-sexual physical contact, such as hugging, cuddling, or tickling, and gradually escalates. They may introduce nudity through activities like swimming, massages, or exposure to pornography. The perpetrator may exploit a child’s natural curiosity to advance the abuse.
Sexualization may also occur digitally through texting or social media, including sending explicit images, requesting inappropriate photos, or pressuring the child to create child sexual abuse material. At this stage, the perpetrator’s primary goal becomes maintaining control so the abuse can continue.
Maintaining Control
To maintain control, perpetrators rely on secrecy, manipulation, blame, and threats. They may convince the child that the relationship is special or that they are in love. The child may fear losing the relationship or believe that disclosing the abuse would cause more harm or embarrassment than staying silent. Threats such as, “If you tell anyone, we could both go to jail,” or, “If you tell, something bad could happen to you or your family,” are often used to enforce silence.
Warning Signs and What Caregivers Can Do
Because grooming is designed to happen in secrecy, recognizing potential warning signs can help caregivers intervene early. While some behaviors may resemble typical adolescent changes, ongoing monitoring and open communication are essential. Warning signs may include extreme secrecy, age-inappropriate sexual knowledge or behavior, underage drinking or drug use, unexplained money or gifts, sudden mood changes such as anger, withdrawal, or depression, spending excessive time away from home, frequent or secretive phone and computer use, or distress when unable to access their phone.
Responding to Disclosure
If a child discloses abuse, how a caregiver responds is critical. Remain calm and supportive. It is the responsibility of adults to protect children. Believe them and clearly state that the abuse is not their fault. Listen carefully without judgment and thank them for telling you. Contact Safe Passage or law enforcement to report the abuse, and help connect the child to professional support.
A helpful acronym for responding to disclosures is TALK:
- Thank them for telling you.
- Ask how you can help.
- Listen without judgment.
- Keep supporting them after the disclosure.
If you or a loved one is experiencing grooming or any form of sexual or domestic abuse, Safe Passage is available 24-hours a day, 365 days a week. You can call 815-756-5228 or text 815-393-1995 for support.
Written by: Paul Benson
