Don’t worry, if you’re reading this blog post, you’re probably already on the right track. As the title suggests, there are many loved ones and supporters of domestic violence and sexual assault survivors who may want to say and do the “right” things in the aftermath of an abuse disclosure. While there are no specific words that can undo what happened, here is a simple guide to some “do’s” and “don’ts” of responding to someone who has disclosed abuse to you. Although these are suggestions, what is important to know is that if someone has chosen to disclose to you, it likely means you are someone that they trust and that you make them feel safe. Be gentle with both yourself and your loved one during this time. It is okay to not have all the answers; what matters is showing up and sticking around to problem solve together!
Don’ts
Sometimes it is easier to think of what not to do. As an abuse disclosure can be difficult for a survivor to make, it is important to handle the situation with compassion and respect for confidentiality. This encourages the survivor to continue to feel safe talking to you while respecting their autonomy. Here are some suggested don’ts:
- Minimize the issue or make it seem like not a big deal.
There might be an instinct to tell someone to “just think on the bright side”. However, in situations of abuse, this can actually be hurtful or invalidating to the survivor. Regardless of their situation, it can be powerful to have someone else affirm that what they went through was not okay, and it is hard, but the loved one will still be by their side. There is also a common misconception that talking about abuse might make the situation worse. In actuality, when done safely and confidentially, talking about abuse can be healing for a survivor. Knowing other people care about them can help rebuild their confidence and self-esteem.
- Tell them what they should be feeling/need to be feeling/what to do.
As tempting as it might be to insist that a person break up with an abusive partner, contact the police, or start counseling or other services, it is important to not pressure a survivor to take certain actions before they’re ready or if they do not want to. If they have had their autonomy taken away from them due to experiencing abuse, making demands on what they need to do can make them feel less centered in their own experience. Rather, providing information on available resources and allowing them to make the decisions that feel safest to them physically and emotionally at the time can help them regain the ability to make their own decisions. It is also not the responsibility of a loved one to act as a counselor to someone going through abuse. This doesn’t mean that a loved one cannot provide support and be by a survivor’s side through their journey, but it is not the loved one’s responsibility to solve issues for the survivor.
- Contact or confront an abusive partner.
As tempting as it may be to contact or confront an abusive partner on behalf of the survivor, this can actually put the survivor in an even more unsafe position. Be sure to keep information shared by the survivor private and confidential.
Do’s
Although there are not specific magic words one can say to take away a survivor’s pain and experience of abuse, here are a few suggested do’s:
- Start by Believing
It is incredibly rare for someone to make up an experience of abuse. In fact, many survivors fear disclosing different types of abuse out of fear of judgment or not being believed. Perhaps an abusive partner has discouraged them from telling others by saying that they’re “crazy”. Affirm to the survivor that you believe their experience and the hurt they’ve gone through.
- Listen attentively and patiently
Reassure the survivor that you are there to listen to what they are comfortable sharing, and remind them there is no pressure. Inform the survivor that you care and want to bare witness to their emotions and experiences. Someone who has been abused may have been made to feel like their feelings do not matter or that they are a burden. It can be incredibly healing to have someone who wants to be there for them, that is reassuring them it is not their fault what happened.
- Provide resources while respecting their decisions
Providing information on resources allows the survivor to decide if, how, and when, they might want to seek support services in the future. At the same time, a loved one can assure the survivor that they can talk about and revisit what they’ve experienced as much as they need to in the future, letting them know there are open lines of communication and a social support network available to them.
While there is no “one-size-fits-all”, centering the survivor in their experience, uplifting them, providing them resources, and believing are powerful tools loved ones can use to support a survivor. No matter how long ago the abuse might have happened, each survivor’s story and the impact the abuse had on them matters. At Safe Passage, we are here to listen and provide support. If you or a loved one has experienced abuse, know that hotline staff at Safe Passage can be reached 24/7 to discuss how to further support someone who has disclosed abuse.
Safe Passage Hotline: 815-756-5228
Safe Passage Textline: 815-393-1995
.Written by: Shayna Smith
