That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
The Narcissist’s Prayer illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimizing poor behavior, blame shifting and shame dumping featured in this one simple verse are all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist, the ‘truth’ is not seen as a finite or fixed entity, but as being malleable- as being whatever the narcissist says it is. Let’s take a closer look:
That didn’t happen.
Here we have denial and history rewriting- both classic narcissistic behaviors. If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, you will recognize this instantly. Narcissists need to feel good about themselves. They have a desperate need to feel special or perfect to distract themselves from their core wound- their underlying feeling of worthlessness. They can’t accept the blame for bad behavior, as it would challenge this image that they project to the world, so they simply deny it.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
Minimization is another tactic that is hardwired into the narcissistic brain because of how they are reacting to their upbringing. They will minimize all manner of things, from their own bad behavior to another’s achievements, an ill person’s symptoms to someone else’s problems. Narcissists are intrinsically controlling- they must control their image and how others see them, and they must control others to escape from the reality of their own egos. They are trying to control how others see external situations.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal
Of course, this is also minimization again, but here I want to mention the idea of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a specific narcissistic behavior in which the narcissist denies another person’s reality by making them think that they are perceiving something incorrectly. ‘You are thinking about it all wrong’ is a common narcissistic refrain. If this happens enough times eventually the victim stops trusting themselves, and starts to rely upon the narcissist in their lives as the ‘voice of reason’ or as the barometer of what is good or right. I knew of a narcissist whose gaslighting was so severe that he would tell his wife that he was drinking tea when he was drinking coffee, which she had watched him make. Although she knew somewhere in her heart of hearts that this wasn’t right, she found herself questioning everything she thought she knew. This keeps the victim exactly where the narcissist wants them to be – trapped in their metaphorical cage where they can be manipulated and used to give attention, adoration, drama, or conflict to the narcissist, whenever they need it- the oxygen that keeps the narcissist feeling whole and alive.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
Another easily recognizable behavior to anyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship is blame shifting. They won’t take the blame for anything because in doing so, they would have to admit to themselves that they are not this perfect person they have made up in their own mind. All narcissists play the victim when they need to.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
Accountability issues come to the fore here. Narcissists do not apologize and mean it. An apology will only come if it benefits them in some way. Apologies are transactional. Narcissists cannot be seen to be the bad guy, and they cannot bear shame. That feeling of burning shame, the humiliation of it that healthy people learn to take on, is simply not something a narcissist can allow themselves to feel. To them, shame feel like an existential crisis. It must be always batted off, usually on to another.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Here we have both projection and blame shifting. This transferring of your feelings onto another person so that you do not have to feel them yourself is called ‘projection’, and narcissists are masters of it. If a narcissist incorrectly accuses you of feeling something or doing something, or being a certain way, it is likely that they are projecting on to you, and it is them who are feeling that feeling, doing that action, or being that way. They are blaming you for what they did so they do not have to bear the shame, and their shining false external image can remain intact and whole. The narcissist often uses illogical arguments to persuade you that something is your fault, or that you got it all wrong, but they deliver it with such convincing fanfare that you find yourself fooled. They will often change the direction of their arguments so quickly that you are left utterly confused.
Narcissism is said to be on the increase, and cultural narcissism is embedded in society. Those with a high prevalence of narcissistic traits flourish in today’s climate, where prosperity, success, grandiosity, and entitlement are largely seen as positive attributes. Consider the world of politics, which is rife with narcissism, and consider the far-reaching implications of this. Sadly, the profound negative effects on society and those at an individual level can be stigmatized and are often swept under the carpet.
Written by: Frankie Best
