When it is a viable option, it is best for survivors to do what they can to escape their aggressor. However, this is not the case in all situations. A person who chooses violence will repeatedly go to extremes to prevent the survivor from leaving. In fact, leaving an aggressor is the most dangerous time for a survivor of domestic violence. One study found that in interviews with men who have killed their wives, threats of separation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that lead to the murder.
A survivor’s reasons for staying with their aggressor are extremely complex and in most cases, are based on the reality that their aggressor will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped. That the aggressor will hurt or kill them, they will hurt or kill the kids, they will win custody of the children, they will harm or kill pets or others, they will ruin their survivor financially, and the list goes on. The survivor knows their partner best and fully knows the extent to which they will go to make sure they have and can maintain control over the survivor. The survivor literally may not be able to safely escape or protect those they love. A recent study of intimate partner homicides found 20% of homicide victims were not the domestic violence victims themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.
Additional barriers to escaping a violent relationship include but are not limited to:
- The fear that their partner’s actions will become more violent and may become lethal if the survivor attempts to leave.
- Unsupportive friends and family.
- Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay).
- Fear that homelessness may be their only option if they leave.
- Knowledge of the difficulties of single parenting and reduced financial circumstances.
- Lack of means to support themselves and/or their children financially or lack of access to cash, bank accounts, or assets.
- The survivor feels that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.
- Inconsistency of abuse; during non violent phases, the aggressor may fulfill the survivors dream of romantic love.
- They may rationalize the aggressor is basically good until something bad happens and they need to “let off steam.”
- The survivor’s lack of knowledge of or access to safety and support.
- Fear of losing custody of any children if they leave or divorce their partner or fear they will hurt, or even kill, their children.
- Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce or may dictate outdated gender roles and keep the survivor trapped in the relationship.
Survivors do not stay in abusive relationships because they are weak, passive, or unaware of the harm being done to them. They stay because they are making calculated decisions to survive under extremely dangerous and constrained circumstances. Every barrier they face is shaped by fear, limited options, and the very real threat of violence. Understanding why survivors stay shifts the focus away from blaming them and toward holding the person who chooses violence accountable. True support means believing survivors, expanding access to safety and resources, and recognizing that leaving is not a single moment, but a complex and often life-threatening process that requires protection, patience, and compassion.
Societal Barriers to Escaping a Violent Relationship
In addition to individual obstacles survivors face when escaping violent relationships, society in general presents barriers. These include:
- A survivor’s fear of being charged with desertion, losing custody of children, or joint assets.
- Anxiety about a decline in living standards for themselves and their children
- Reinforcement of clergy and secular counselors of “saving” a couple’s relationship at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
- Lack of support to survivors by police officers and law enforcement who may treat violence as a “domestic dispute,” instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.
- Often, survivors of abuse are arrested and charged by law enforcement even if they are only defending themselves against the batterer.Dissuasion by police of the survivor filing charges.
- Some dismiss or downplay the abuse, side with the aggressor, or do not take the survivors account of the abuse seriously.
- Reluctance by prosecutors to prosecute cases.
- Some may convince the perpetrator to plead to a lesser charge, thus further endangering survivors. Additionally, judges rarely impose the maximum sentence upon convicted perpetrators. Probation or a fine is much more common.
- Despite the issuing of an order of protection , there is little to prevent a released perpetrator from returning and repeating abuse.
- Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for survivors fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep survivors safe.
- Some religious and cultural practices that stress that divorce is forbidden.
- The socialization of some made to believe they are responsible for making their relationship work.
- Failure to maintain the relationship equals failure as a person.
- Isolation from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive aggressor or because they feel “ashamed” of the abuse and try to hide signs of it from the outside world.
- The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
- The rationalization of the survivor that their partner’s behavior is caused by stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment, or other factors.
- Societal factors that teach women to believe their identities and feelings of self-worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
Written by: Frankie Best
